An Unnatural Athlete

Have you ever fallen into the trap of comparing yourself with other runners? I know I have. Especially lately. 

I am, by nature, a competitive person, so it’s only natural I would push myself to be as fast or faster than those around me. I find most successful runners are this way, and I suppose if they weren’t, they wouldn’t see much performance improvement. So, we must conclude that a bit of a competitive nature is a good thing, right? But how can you find that line between pushing yourself, and engaging in needless mental abuse? 

I was recently on a group run with a couple of great people. I really enjoy these folks, and we were in a beautiful forest on a great day. The problem? They’re both faster runners than me. I could tell they were dialing down their pace to try to accommodate me, but I was still always a few paces behind them, trying to catch up.

Some of my absolute favorite running friends
in the Lynn Woods on my birthday 2020.

While on group runs, I sometimes find myself reverting back to thinking like a seventh grader: “If my legs were as long as his, everything would be easier…” Or, “If I was as naturally thin as her I’d be able to lay down those fast miles…” I know this is immature and a gross oversimplification. I know I’m being stupid, but sometimes I can’t stop. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I work (and trust me, I work really hard), it’s never enough and I’m still just so slow. Some runs, I fight for every.single.mile. And when you run ultra distances, that’s a lot of fighting. In my lowest moments, I wonder if it’s like this for all runners, or just me. Is the fact that it’s so hard an indication that I’m just not a runner and I should stop torturing myself? Am I really too short? Are my thighs just too thick and will never stop chafing? Are my feet just too flat? 

Group run through a 
Moroccan canyon.

I also wonder if I should continue running ultra distances. Over the last few years, since starting running ultras, I have really slowed down my pace. I used to be mid to upper level-pack, sometimes even sneaking in an age group placement in local 5K’s and 10K’s. But now, I’m bottom of the pack. I find that I’m usually one of the last people to finish an ultra. Sometimes I think - is this just not my distance? Should I focus more on shorter distances and try to be faster? But I always come back to one fact - for some reason, the ultra distances are what I really WANT to do. The thought of running shorter distances just doesn’t excite me. And the whole point of this thing is fun right? 

In the end, I have realized that even with my short stature and flat feet, I do have one key trait of an ultra runner. I am able to see a problem, remove the emotion from the situation, and reveal the solution. I do sometimes need a moment to just be sad about my difficulties, but then I am able to flip and focus on a solution and positive outcome. For example, while driving home from that group run with the faster runners, I continued to wonder what it would be like to be a tall, lean, natural athlete who had run since high school. Then I thought, that runner today also told me she has a tendency to go out too fast in ultras, and burn out after only about 20 miles. She said she tends to do a few loops and then quit because she’s “had enough”. The thought of that surprised me. I really couldn’t imagine quitting just because I was tired and didn’t want to continue. As running doesn’t always come naturally or easy to me, I have been through some real struggles. I know how to suffer. I know how to feel like absolute shit and choose to keep going. To have a true suffer fest. I also can’t imagine blowing through beginning miles too quickly. I’m freaking slow so I can’t possibly go out gangbusters and go too fast at the beginning of a race. So in some ways, being a slow, unnatural runner has propelled me forward to complete more, longer ultras. I must, therefore, ask myself if I REALLY want to be like someone else? To be a natural, tall, lean athlete? Or do I just want to be like me?

The group from my running trip to Morocco in 2019 (with Run the World Adventures). Abdu from Morocco, Pablo from Costa Brava, Spain,  Jane from CA, Tony from the UK, Markus from Austria, Dan from CA, me, Brahim from Morocco, and Christina from Switzerland.