Injury of the heart and body

I feel like most blogs start this way: I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written.

My instinct is to say that the reason I've been silent so long is because I’ve been so busy. Which is true. I have been really busy. But I know that the real reason I haven’t written is because it hurts too much to talk about running right now.

I’m injured. I tore my left quad. I haven’t run in 3.5 weeks. And I’ve been pushing off writing about running. I think that one of the reasons this has been so hard on me is because I feel like it’s my fault. I ran a 50K, and it was awesome. What a great experience. Talk about the best race I’ve ever run! I had so much fun, and in all honesty if I had it to do over, I’m not sure I would take back that race.

I felt really pretty great afterwards. Sore but not bad. I didn’t run for a week after, just swam. Then one week after, I headed out into Boston for a 13 mile training run on the course. Again, I felt great. Fine. Then, at mile 11 my quad tore. I wouldn’t take back the 50K if I could, but I would take back that 13 mile training run.

I have a great PT, and a great chiropractor. A supportive husband and great friends. My fundraising is going great and I’ve met my goal of $10,000. Everyone assures me that I should be back running very soon. But the last 3.5 weeks have been some of the longest of my life. I know this may sound over-dramatic to some people. The truth is that running is my therapy. Since becoming a mother, I have struggled with anxiety and depression, and running has been a big part of my recovery from that. Not to mention the fact that the Boston Marathon is creeping closer and closer, and I have worked so hard for this race. Just to get IN the damned thing seems nearly impossible. To get on a team, raise money, train my body, everything. I want so badly to feel better. To get back out there. I see other people running as I'm drive by, and it hurts everything about myself.

So many people ask me how I do it all - running on top of motherhood, my marriage, my job, my house, my hobbies, my other sports. The answer is that running makes it possible for me to do it all. And now, I feel like a very real, tangible part of myself is gone. 

So I try to focus on the positive, try to remain thankful for what I have. In the scheme of things, the injury is minor, and I should recover fully. I’m incredibly thankful that six months ago I invested in my training and started taking swimming lessons. For the last four weeks I’ve been swimming a mile almost every day, and I’ve been told this will keep my VO2 max up, allowing me to get back into running quickly. If I hadn't improved my swimming, I don't know what I'd be doing right now. I am really enjoying the swimming, and considering venturing in the world of triathlons (but more on that later).

But I still worry that it won’t be enough time for Boston.

I do plan to write about my experience in PT, to write more about the 50K race, and I hope to someday write inspiring things about my imminent comeback. But right now, I just have to put this out there – I am injured. My body is broken. I am trying to fix it, but I am a work in progress. Just like everyone else I suppose.